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Date: 19 January 2014

Today's Topic: Things That Drive Me Insane

Triggers: People mostly! Then everything else.....

My Grump: Drivers, dog owners, neighbours, other peoples kids, politicians etc.

1. People who chew with their mouth open and talk at the same time. I have to hold my cupped hands over my own food to make sure that bits of saliva soaked cabbage and shredded meat products don't mix with mine. It's disgusting. I counter this by deliberately not saying anything at mealtimes to discourage anyone from engaging with me, either opposite, or worse, sideways on to me.

2. People who can't or won't say please and thank you. Ignorant sods need an education and it costs nothing.

3. Jonathan Ross, Paul Daniels, Katie Price/Peter Andre .....

4. "Baby on Board" stickers in car windows. Just so these people know, I do not drive recklessly at every other moment and then drive carefully around you just because you have a "Baby on Board". All these things tell everybody is that you've had sex at least once. Congratulations!

5. Footballers that spit on the pitch. I'm sure the camera operators go out of their way to capture this on purpose. Have you noticed how you only get about 5 seconds of film of a player before cutting to something else, but the tiny snippet you see is them flobbing on the floor? Give them hankies! There you are, yet another advertising opportunity! Hankies with slogans and logo's.

6. Giving to charities who then spend everything you've given them, and more besides, trying to get you to shell out more. Yes, that's you RSPCA and RSPB. But no more!

7. Driving along behind people who throw things out of the car window. I was driving in the countryside one day following a car full of louts driving all over the road near Chew Valley Lake and forcing oncoming traffic to swerve into the hedge. Out of the drivers side window came a McDonalds bag with contents which spilled open along the road, quickly followed by another one. Then burger bags from the passenger windows which landed on the grass verge. These people really need to get a life.

8. Go compare adverts and those bloody meerkats.

9. People who write in text speak and spell like they are texting. Your job opportunities will drop like a stone when it becomes obvious you can't spell for toffee. [Most of my own spelling mistakes will, of course, be typing errors, nothing more, OK?]

10. Driving standards in this country are at an all time low, but the things that bug me most are:
(A.) People tailgating me and by tailgating I mean they are driving so close I can no longer see their lights. I go slower when someone does that and if my son is in the back I get him to put his phone on flash and make a big deal of taking their picture. They soon back off then, especially when the photo has them on their mobile. I ought to send them to the police.
(B.) People that drive 20mph below the speed limit for no good reason. Speed limits are used now to excuse the state of the road, not because there is any real danger. The potholes cost lots of money to repair, lowering the speed limit is cheap. So, all roads are artificially low already, without some jerk crawling along because he's (or she's) fiddling with the radio, texting or answering their phone.
(C.) People who don't thank you for thanking them. Confused? Think about it.... Michael Mcintyre did a sketch about this. Did you see it? Very funny.

11. People who grunt instead of talking to you. I am so very happy and blessed that my son has reached the age of 15 and can still hold an intelligent conversation. It seems that for the majority, even among his friends (so I dread the day this rubs off), at 12 there is an invisible switch that is flipped in their heads. One day, at age 11, they will say 'yes please', 'no thank you', 'I'm well thank you, how are you?' To the day after their birthday, when this becomes 'uh?', 'ugh', or a grunt, a burp or a fart.

Sorry, this is very general. I just had to get these things off my chest. I think there may be some specific topics of grumpy bits that will show up in time. But I hope you enjoy these and hope you will contribute some of your own special grumps below.

Please share your ideas below, thank you.



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