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Date: 23 March 2014

Today's Topic: The Traffic Wardens Funeral and Other Traffic Warden Jokes

Triggers: A funny email from a friend

My Grump: How can one type of employment generate this much hatred?

I don't hate traffic wardens; but I do hate the job they do, I hate the way they do their job, I hate the way they interpret their remit, I hate the way they ruthlessly follow protocol, and I hate the glee on their faces when they catch somebody doing something iffy. So I was delighted when a friend of mine sent me this awesome joke.

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Please let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

A £5000 reward is being offered after a mystery man was caught kicking a traffic warden in the street on CCTV. It's not a lot, mate, but you deserve every penny so please come forward ASAP.

The traffic warden screamed and swore at me because of where I'd parked. Well, he should have moved his blooming great foot shouldn't he.

I'd just stepped out of my car and a traffic warden started yelling that I couldn't park there. Or something along those lines.

I stabbed and battered a traffic warden to death who was wrongly trying to put a ticket on my car. The judge said it was a truly horrendous act and could not understand how such an evil person is allowed to walk the streets, before releasing me with an apology.
A Traffic Warden Somewhere Near You
What's the difference between a traffic warden and a sperm cell?
The sperm cell has at least 1 out of 10,000,000 chance of getting a life.

At my local supermarket people are known to give each other their tickets if there is a reasonable amount of time left on them. I do the same but with my out of date tickets.
It makes my job as a traffic warden so much more rewarding.

Crimewatch Newsflash - traffic warden kicked in the head. Police say they have thirty million suspects.

I pulled up to the curb today and asked the blonde traffic warden, "Can I park here?" "No you can't," she replied. "What about all these other cars that are parked here?" I said. "They didn't ask."

My wife's a blooming nightmare when it comes to parking. God knows why I married a traffic warden.

I watched as a traffic warden put a ticket on ricky gervais' car today, and I must admit that for once I was able to laugh at him.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc .etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes he’ll agree to go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.“
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.
“No” said Billy, “He's a traffic warden but I was just too embarrassed to say”.
Traffic Warden Issuing a Ticket
What's black, yellow, and buzzes uncontrollably?
A traffic warden when I taser him for giving me a ticket.

A traffic warden set a new record for clamping cars. In just one month he booked 14 Porsches, 12 Daimlers, 9 Ferraris, 7 Bentleys, 6 Lamborghinis, 4 Rolls-Royces, 2 Maseratis & a Bugatti.
The council has since asked him to get out of Lidl's car park.

Only traffic wardens are invited to 'The National Traffic Warden Awards'.
It's an all ticket affair.

I love being married to a traffic warden.
It means everyone hates her as much as I do.

As I parked my car outside the house of commons a traffic warden came up to me and said, "You can't park here! Judges, ministers and members of parliament use this road."
"It's okay" I said, "I've got an alarm and a crook lock".

We all love to bash traffic wardens, but the truth is even more sinister. Here are some facts. Traffic wardens have targets. They face the sack if they fail to hand out enough parking tickets. Formal warnings and threat of dismissal are used to force wardens to write up set numbers of tickets per shift, or per week. Extra tickets are written to cover the cost of overtime and wages. You are only offered overtime if you write up enough tickets. Council bosses and the companies they employ, use ticketing as a revenue source. If you don't believe me, just search for 'traffic warden dismissal' and see what you find. That's still not an excuse to give us motorists hell though.

I just think the job appeals to people who hate people, so people hate 'em right back.

I was driving along the Esplanade at Burnham-on-Sea when I had an electrical system failure that caused my van to stop in the middle of the road. The starter motor worked, but the van would not fire. So I used the starter motor to drive the van about 20yds and get me out of danger, beyond the roundabout and into the side of the road, which was a dead end road about 50yds further on. I had the bonnet up and was tinkering around with the distributor, the cause of the problem.

This traffic warden came up to inform me that I was not allowed to effect repairs at the side of the road, under section f**k knows what of the highways code. I remonstrated that the van was kaput and I was not here by choice, that I made sure I was not in anyone's way and if I'd been stuck in my original position I would have been completely blocking the roundabout of all passing traffic.

I expected some sympathy and understanding that I was doing the best I could to get the thing started, but all I got was threats that if I didn't move off the double yellow lines he was going to give me a ticket. After several minutes of him continuing to threaten me, and my rubbing sandpaper on the distributor terminals, and eventually getting the van to start, I moved off and away. But the intransigence of the traffic warden made me want to kick him in the balls.

Please share your ideas below, thank you.

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